FortuneFavorsTheBrave

this wedding stuff.

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 19:42:21 GMT

I'm so over it.
completely.
I cannot handle the stress everyone is giving me. my mom and my sister especially.
going home and working on christmas stuff makes me want to slam my head into a wall. I would rather figure anything and everything out myself than let them help me because all they want to do is take over.
Don't get me wrong, I am truly looking forward to my wedding day and I know it's going to be a wonderful and amazing time. but if my mom could just understand that my future husband and I are going to have things how WE want them and not her and that means that when we don't go "her way" then she can't bent out of shape at us or try to guilt us into it. and she can't tell us we're wrong.
I
just
don't
get
it.
it's fine if everyone doesn't like lasagna. or outside weddings. or guitar music. or my dress. what matters is that reid and I like it.

what a great time the next 7 months is going to be.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:31:36 GMT

I'm engaged.

AHHHHH. =)

things ive noticed thus far...

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:05:58 GMT

1. Everyone has a business card.
The number I have acquired in the last two months is far greater than my whole life.

2. Everyone has a blog.
About everything. No matter who you are or what you do.

3. Everyone is an artist.
I need to find a way to separate myself, probably utilizing numbers 1 and 2.

4. Shopping, fashion, boots, coats, jewelry, skirts, tights, heels, lipstick, eyeliner, bags.

5. No matter who you are, where you come from, what style you claim, how old you are.. you are a die-hard steelers fan.
And penguins.

6. Beer.
A lot of it.

7. Bikes.
ie. Bicycle.

yep....

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:00:50 GMT

things here are definitely improving since the last couple of posts.. I still have my moments, but that's all in just getting used to a new place.
last week I went home for the day and came back with my cat. she hated it for a day or two and was real scared, but better now so that's good.

my work schedule is improving like crazy.
reid and I are doing real well. last night was the first I had seen him since last wednesday. not seeing him just sucks. not seeing him many days in a row is worse. I actually hate it.

we're making friends one by one. some of them have my number, so that gives me hope. I can feel the relationships building. and hot metal is growing on me.
let's see.. there's...
chris. he's hilarious. he works at fat heads, went to school for film. has a great heart, and is really down to earth. he seems like he puts it all out there.
cherie and jesse. married six years. (whoa.) cherie is so tiny and fragile looking and jesse is so much bigger (not in a "big" way, he's just a large man.) it's really cute. live on mt. washington. she's so in love with him, and you can tell. she also has this pin-up style (but not in a slut-like way, she's real classy).
scott and bethany. married. scott is an animator, so that's pretty cool. bethany makes plush squids (yep) and sells them on etsy. she graduated with a degree in fibers, how awesome is that?? they love cats, but aren't creepy about it.
derek. not sure what to think about him. he seems like the kind of guy that is either really about jesus or like he's doing things to get attention. there's always something wrong with him too. meh, I shouldn't be so quick to judge.
dylan. he's pretty cool. he's like a foot taller than me. he's just an awesome guy, from what I can tell. don't let his punk-like image throw you off. he is really really serious about god. and he's smart. and he's really really musically talented (I have a girl crush of sorts on him, but just a girl crush haha I wouldn't ever be able to date him I don't think. especially since I found my knight in shining armour). oh, and he's like a foot taller than me.
dennman is dylan's twin. who is also very musically talented, but I don't know much about him.
danielle and justin just had a baby! they're adorable together too. and justin seems like a real cool guy.

as always, I am more outspoken with the boys. I think that bethany might be crafting friends, or that's my vision because I'm laaaaame.

that's enough right now. I'm going to go clean up before reid comes over.

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 04:28:56 GMT

let's just put another little tally under the number of people I know that have lost their lives to car accidents.

let's all ride bikes.
I'm sure one of us would figure out how to fuck that up as well though.

boo.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:52:38 GMT

okay,
I can't sleep.

pittsburgh is great, I miss home a lot. that's a secret. I don't miss living in my house, I'm really enjoying figuring this all out. I miss seeing my parents and my friends every day.
a lot.
and talking to adam on chat isn't very helpful. amanda came in saturday night, that was pretty cool. it's nice that I have reid here, we spend a lot of time together but not so much that we smother each other.
I haven't really made friends here yet, we've met some pretty cool people at this bible study. but I feel like they're really nice but really unwelcoming. reid said that maybe they just need to get used to us, but other than going out with them after bible study it doesn't seem like they're going to make any kind of effort to hang out with us. we are, but it can't happen just one way.
it's really discouraging.

so the time that I don't spend with reid or at work, I spend it alone. and it's really sort of bothersome. I don't tell reid this, or not all of it anyway, because I don't want him to worry so much. he already has enough stress because of work.
I don't know how to calm him down, and it really does bother me. I know he has a great heart for people and I know he's intelligent and knows nursing in and out. sometimes I think his nerves hold him back though.
he stresses out so easily, but I have to try to remember what I would be like if I had to keep track of the health of three people. I have to remember how hard of a job it is.

to be continued.

in the city.

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 03:03:28 GMT

everything is different. and that's all I really want to say.

other than it has taken me one week and two days to feel "at home" at my home. in my little (studio) apartment wedged on todd st in the borough of wilkinsburg-also-known-as-the-ghetto it has taken me until now to be satisfied with my decision to live here. by here, I mean where my apartment is. NOT in pittsburgh.

as an after-thought for next time I apartment hunt: don't live in wilkinsburg.
and don't let companies tell you it's regent square. which is, in all actuality, 100% better than here.

oh, by the way, the buildings are dilapidated falling apart and probably infested with homeless people, crazy people and/or gangs (just to spice things up) about a block from my building.
also, when I got home about an hour ago there was some guy standing outside my building (it's a secure entrance with an "unbreakable" glass door (it doesn't really make sense to have a secure GLASS door)). I think he was waiting for someone. in any case, I unlocked the door and pulled it shut behind me. thus locking him out.
oops. hope you weren't trying to get inside.

another side note is that when it monsoons here, todd street becomes a river.

I
love
brick
roads.

my
camero
does
not.

max lucado writes this...

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 04:08:55 GMT

why do we do what we do? Why do we take blatantly black-and-white and paint it gray? why are priceless mores trashed while senseless standards are obeyed? what causes us to elevate the body and degrade the soul? what causes us to pamper the skin while we pollute the heart?
our values are messed up. someone broke into the store and exchanged all the price tags. thrills are going for top dollar and the value of human beings is at an all-time low.
one doesn't have to be a philosopher to determine what caused such a snag in the market. it all began when someone convinced us that the human race is headed nowhere. that man has no destiny. that we are in a cycle. that there is no reason or rhyme to this absurd existence. somewhere we got the idea that we are meaninglessly trapped on a puny mudheap that has no destination. the earth is just a spinning mausoleum and the universe is purposeless. the creation was incidental and humanity has no direction.
pretty gloomy, huh?
the second verse is even worse. if man has no destiny, then he has no duty. no obligation, no responsibility. if man has no destiny, then he has no guidelines or goals. if man has no destiny, then who is to say what is right or wrong? who is to say that a husband can't leave his wife and family? who is to say you can't abort a fetus? what is wrong with shacking up? who says I can't step on someone's neck to get to the top? it's your value system against mine. no absolutes. no principles. no ethics. no standards. life is reduced to weekends, paychecks, and quick thrills. the bottom line is disaster.

"the existentialist," writes existentialist Jean-Paul Sarte, "finds it extremely embarrassing that God does not exist, for there disappears with him all possibility of finding values in an intelligible heaven... Everything is indeed permitted if God does not exist, and man is in consequence forlorn, for he cannot find anything to depend on within or without himself."

if man has no duty or destiny, the next logical step is that man has no value. if man has no future, he isn't worth much. he is worth, in fact, about as much as a tree or rock. no difference. there is no reason to be here, therefore, there is no value.
and you've seen the results of this. our system goes haywire. we feel useless and worthless. we freak out. we play games. we create false value systems. we say that you are valuable if you are pretty. we say that are valuable if you can produce. we say that are valuable if you can slam-dunk a basketball or snag a pop fly. you are valuable if your name has a "Dr." in front of it or a Ph.D. on the end of it. you are valuable if you have a six-figure salary and drive a foreign car.
value is now measured by two criteria: appearance and performance.
pretty tough system, isn't it? where does that leave the retarded? or the ugly and uneducated? where does that place the aged or the handicapped? what hope does that offer the unborn child? not much. not much at all. we become nameless numbers on mislaid lists.
now please understand this, this is man's value system. it is not God's. His plan is much brighter. God, with eyes twinkling, steps up the philosopher's blackboard, erases the never-ending, ever-repeating circle of history and replaces it with a line: a hope-filled, promising, slender line. and, looking over his shoulder to see if the class is watching, he draws an arrow on the end.
in God's book, man is heading somewhere. he has an amazing destiny. we are being prepared to walk down the church aisle and become the bride of Jesus. we are going to live with him. share the throne with him. reign with him. we count. we are valuable. and what's more, our worth is built in! your value is inborn.
you see, if there was anything that Jesus wanted everyone to understand it was this: a person is worth something simply because he is a person.

-Max Lucado No Wonder They Call Him Savior p.15-17

thanks, max lucado for writing it out that way.
my value is inborn.
just because.
I just need to constantly remember that.

I love those days when...

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:52:11 GMT

I only work for 4.5 hours because my boss is punishing me for having a separate life and moving on.

in other, better, news: I move in 15 days (and counting).

yahoo.
I'm really excited to have all my own stuff.

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:00:34 GMT

I am moving in exactly one month from today.
Reid moves next weekend.. things couldn't get more perfect. Now if only he would ask me to marry him.

The last time we talked about it I told him I wanted a fake ring.
And last night was more than perfect.

That's all :-)

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:54:36 GMT

My sister being home really brings out the best in me...

grow up. Maybe you should have figured out your life before you decided to have kids. Wow what an amazing idea.

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 15:30:24 GMT

Seeing her lack of discipline makes me crazy.

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 00:09:51 GMT

What a mother.
Always [texting and talking] on the phone.
Always spending [her husbands] money.
Always worried more about herself than her kids.
No patience.
Doesn't understand.
Bad mood.
Can't discipline.
Can't act like a correct and proper human being.

Can't
Get
Her
Shit
Together.

My sister.

maybe it's the fact that I'm leaving

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:16:22 GMT

I've never been so unhappy at my job.
I've never gotten in my car to go home from a job and just started bawling my eyes out.

I'm so excited to leave. I can't wait. I can't wait until I don't have to deal with my boss, he's a jerk. he's an asshole, and he doesn't care at all.
he hurts without trying or understanding or knowing at all.

I shouldn't have to keep trying so hard to impress him. he's my employer. my employer shouldn't want me to stress out about whether I'm going to have a job when I go to work tomorrow or not.

7 weeks, two days.

thank.
god.

Sun, 31 May 2009 13:21:42 GMT

Sometimes I feel like more of a "city girl" when I'm down here.

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit. And that being down here is a way of life.
Things that I do they have never ever done here. And wouldn't. Wouldn't even consider it.

Sometimes I think they are more baffling to me than I to them.

oh, it is love.

Fri, 29 May 2009 00:44:32 GMT

everyone is getting married.

I want to get married.

I never thought I'd want someone for forever so much.

really quick because I have much to do...

Sat, 23 May 2009 13:16:51 GMT

I applied for an apartment last thursday, I'll find out this week sometime.

I start my job in PITTSBURGH august 1.
my lease will start in PITTSBURGH august 1.

are we taking this too fast? we're not living together, just.. moving, together?

this is so so so crazy and so so so exciting.

I love him.

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:03:03 GMT

finally a skilled barista.
finally going to the competition.

coffee. a whole weekend in chicago. competition on navy pier.

yahooooo.

http://www.scaa.org/about_regional_next.asp
meep. so soon!

I'd like to get to know you...

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 19:08:28 GMT

it's snowing. that's disgusting.
I've been obsessing over christmas presents that I'm making people.
I'm still working so so much.
I'm so sad about my life decisions that it's unbearable and I'm to the point where I just don't want to deal with it anymore so I'm trying my hardest to not think about it.
the semester at kent is almost over, thank god.
no, I don't know what's going on with pittsburgh.

reid and I want to get married some day. and we're being serious about it. and taking one day at a time.

I don't really know what I think anymore about anything. ie: things that don't have to do with reid, family, god.

I've been so tired lately. I should start eating meat more often. and I should stop skipping meals. that would probably be more healthy.

that's all.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:53:17 GMT

insert profound things about how I'm hating the things I'm doing in life right now and how I'm going to change it sometime soon.

but I probably won't, I'm all talk and no game.
but I want to, badly.

remember when I said, what if I were falling in love again? and my friend replied, what if the sky were falling?
I'm in love again. for good this time.

godspeed, dreamers

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 12:39:36 GMT

I should have mentioned this the other day. it wasn't that I forgot, I just didn't want it to be real.
officially two years and two days since she's been gone. the past four days have been emotional hell, to say the least. reid doesn't understand. I didn't really tell him.
on the 30th all I could think about was "did Jesus talk to her before he took her?" I read a book once where that happened. I just want to know.
I also had the most terrible/real dream about it ever. I wasn't even there. you know, those dreams when you're in that state between sleep and awake? the real short ones that make you twitch and wake up.. all I heard was a car being hit. the bending of the aluminum and I could hear her terror. I could hear her screaming.
I've never had that dream before.
it haunts me almost everyday now.

I think I need to go to the tree.. they should have just buried her there.

what's ironic about the whole thing is that I want to know if she talked to jesus, and she died on church property.

oh, kylie rock. two years, two days. why you? you would have been 18 this year.
no, you're 18 this year. just because you're dead, doesn't mean you stop getting older. you're still down there in the cold earth.
sometimes I just want to lie down next to you and sink into the soil just to be with you.

I feel scared.

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 03:39:36 GMT

please don't forget about me.
please don't forget about me.

I'm meeting with an advisor from the art institute of pittsburgh in two weeks.
yes, I'm nervous. yes, I feel like my portfolio is done for. and yes, I think I scared my boyfriend.

we're doing so well and I've never been happier. I just wish he could make up his mind about when he graduates. I guess it's more of where he finds work, probably shouldn't be too picky. why is it so much easier for me to decide things like this than it is him? he pretty much told me that he doesn't want to hold me back, whenever he asked when I would transfer and I said not till fall 09 and he asked why. "because you're here."
when someone is such a big part of my life I'm not just going to exclude him or her from my choices and actions and decisions. and that really complicates things for the both of us, it will even more so once may rolls around. I just want to know that he'll be there for me. I don't know if I can handle a long distance relationship again. I suppose if I go to PA and he stays here it'll only be two hours, though.

in any case, I'm incredibly excited for pittsburgh, nervous and scared too though. I don't know anyone there, so it should be interesting. I haven't exactly figured out how I'm going to pay for it yet. tons of student loans and saving lots of money. I'll probably have to work at least part time while I'm in school, I suppose we'll see how this all works out. who knows, I might end up absolutely hating it.

I feel incredibly lost and sad. and I'm probably just going to go to sleep right now. I was working on this piece and I completely screwed it up when I started adding things to it. I was so happy with what I had and then I thought it needed something more, but the truth is I was happy with the way it was to begin with. so I should have just listened to myself the first time. so now I have this piece that I absolutely hate sitting on my desk and I don't really know what to do with it or if it's fixable. but I hope so.
I just fixed it. I'm stupid.

reid and I are reading the love chapter in corinthians, not because we're dating but because we decided we needed to be reminded of god's love constantly. I just wanted to mention that.

goodnight.

a conglomeration of things.

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 03:43:18 GMT

I think npr is ruining me. I go to work everyday and listen to talk radio for 7 hours and I'm really informed, but about more than I wish to be. it puts me in this wierd situation that really makes me hate the world. now that doesn't make sense, does it.

I turn 19 tomorrow. I hate birthdays.

taylor called me to tell me he's sending me $100 from when he borrowed money from me nearly a year ago. that's nice I suppose. then he told me that his wife is pregnant and they're coming home in october to tell their families. I decided then that they needed that money more than I do, no matter how short on cash I might be right now. it was a really tough decision to make, considering school and work. it makes me sad, and I feel like it should have been easier. I haven't told them yet.

reid is leaving, again. for colorado this time. to say the least, I'm not at all excited about it. not to mention he's leaving on my birthday. what a fantastic present. I might as well have gone to work on my birthday. I suppose you could say I'm moreso excited for him to go out there, because I know he loves it. but I hate the thought of him being so far away.

he and I talked about the "m word" (marriage). no, he didn't quite propose.. I wish he had. but we both pretty much agreed that we don't want anyone else forever. that's probably pretty good.. I mean, probably. I hate how I word things. I should have said:
we both agreed neither of us wants anyone else forever and that's an amazing feeling.

one thing does bother me, because I know he's not like this at all and I didn't want to say anything to him incase he would be offended by it. he and I went to a dinner with his extended family. aunts, uncles, cousins.. that whole deal. somehow they started talking about politics; which is their prerogative, who am I to say what they shouldn't talk about at the dinner table (even though it's supposed to never be politics and religion). for being
"christians" (in quotes because I'm not so sure I even like that word used to describe people because it's so thrown around everyday in many ways) there was quite a bit of racial slur thrown around and reids dad finally got them all to shut up when he said, "there are a lot of things going on in the world that people should care more about. there's so much going on in africa right now, but no one apparently cares about that." everyone kind of shut up and I was just being honest when I said, "I do." it was ridiculous because they kind of laughed when I said that, but I was being serious and reid's dad was right.

so I've been reading Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne recently. I stumbled across a part that I thought was magnificent. and once I finish the book and get my thoughts all together about the whole thing, I'm sure I'll write something about it.
"when we take a good look at the history of the United States, we must face the reality that the US is not, as Barack Obama (and countless others) said, "the last great hope for humanity." This not only is false according to the standards of secular history but also is heretical for us in the church.... And in the scope of history, the United States is a young project that doubtlessly will fall-- whether in a few or in many years."
p.182
also.
"traitor?

if this bloody counterfeit liberation is american...
I am proud to be un-american.
if depleted uranium is american...
I am proud to be un-american.
if US sanctions are american...
I am proud to be un-american.
if the imposed "peace" of Pax-Americana is american...
I am proud to be un-american.

but if grace, humility and non-violence are american...
I am proud to be american.
if sharing to create a safe, sustainable world is american...
I am proud to be american.
if loving our enemies is american...
I am proud to be american.

regardless, I would die for the people of new york, but I will not kill for them... my kingdom is not of this world.

I would die for the people of baghdad, but I will not kill for them... my kingdom is not of this world. I will stand in the way of terror and war... my kingdom is not of this world."

another world is possible.
goodnight.

georgia on my mind.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:05:49 GMT

georgia lovin.
more, whenever.

if I didn't have you have my guide, I'd still wander lost in sinai

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 21:37:17 GMT

it's 5:30 pm. I've been awake for 11 hours and I have another 8 to go.
why is it that I always have to pull doubles? why does it seem like my boss hates me?

I think that he thinks he can get the best of me if he keeps making me work like this. he won't. he can't.

end of story.

reid is back from haiti. I leave for georgia tomorrow after work, which is really thursday around 1:30-2 in the morning. I think I should be more excited than I am.
I sprained my ankle. never done that before. I couldn't walk to good for a few days, so I had to miss out on work. pitty, with a lot of sarcasm.

don't get me wrong, I really love what I do. I just really hate who I work for and where I work. maybe reid was right, maybe all I do need is a vacation.
we'll see.

I'm bitter today. I haven't stopped since 5:30 this morning...